DADDY ISSUES (In tune)

Don't nobody know me, like I know me. So I follow instincts only. -Big Sean

Welcome to mochas web, by this time I'm hoping we've gotten pretty acquainted..if not maybe you should read my last blogs before you dive into this one. Listen yall, I got a lot to say, so if you have the time, go ahead and do what you gotta do to help you unwind..cause I could go all night fr.


I've got a whole lot of misplaced emotions built up right now and I'm about to explode. Feeling like Drake, on "back on road". Most people will think I changed. Few will know I only elevated. & like Erykah Badu, I'm sensitive about my shit. See as I'm moving along in this process called life, I'm getting real fragile about it. I can't control anyone else life, but I am in full gear of my own. So everything I do, & everything I say may seem self-centered. In reality, I'm only saying and doing what others wish they had the courage too. Our first amendment right grants us the freedom of expression, use that shit to your advantage....cause I know I am.

I'm realizing that a lot us say things that we have no intentions of acting on. A lot us have created standards, qualifications and goals for ourselves that aren't truly ours, but the product of social media. I'm realizing that a lot of us are losing our conscious ability to think because social media has us so consumed. Not even thinking for ourselves, because we've become so immune. But my mood is forever like Big Sean, on "In Tune". So come correct or not at all.

I'm so damn tired of people saying what they think I wanna hear. Eventually, I'm tryna feel like Dej Loaf did on "No Fear". In the meantime, all I require is that you keep it real..just say exactly what you feel. I think the standard of requiring people to keep it real is only entry level. To come up in my space and be all up in my face, all I ask you to do is be true to you. & if you haven't got thus far, at least be able to admit it. It's a process though, don't forget it. Tell me wussup, so I can let you know if i'm with it. Craig, you ain't gotta lie just to kick it. Either I could be on something real similar, or real different.

All I require is that you allow me to make my own decisions merely by just keeping it a stack. It's not about censoring your intentions, because you don't want to hurt me. You hurt me more when you leave me confused. I'm tryna figure out what's so hard about simply telling the truth. Now, some of us actually want to do what we said we would. However, we don't have the means of making it happen. Why can't we just explain that? Why can't we just accept our positions in life for what they are? Why you tryna make me visualize the picture, when in reality you don't even have no paint..or ink..no markers, let alone crayons and barely a pencil. No shade whatsoever intended.

Growing up illegitimate, without the presence of both mom and dad together put some strain on my brain. I thought seeing grandma and papa together, but not my mom and dad was kind of strange. It was never too many good things said about him anyway..but I guess maybe I just wanted my father around to let his actions speak for himself. & when he popped up on holidays and birthdays, my heart would sink into my chest, and my stomach would do cart flips. I would be too nervous to leave without my brother, the only male figure in the house that I was comfortable around. See from early only on, I got use to inconsistency. The pop ups never happened too frequently. But when he did pop up, I remember my dad expressing how much he thought about and missed me..& eventually, just that would put me at peace. Eventually, I would start to talk more and laugh. Eventually, I would open up and express everything that I was feeling.. Eventually the day/night would go on as if those butterflies had never been in my stomach..and eventually we would pull back up in my mother's yard and part ways..but before I left he would always say "give daddy some sugar" and I would cringe and suck my face in until laughter boiled over on both ends and then we would hold each other and embrace. I would leave his truck, thinking that our newfound relationship had just began..all over again. My mother would stay up wanting to talk about how my day went and though she rarely had anything positive to say about him, I could tell she was happy that we had spent time together. Eventually, she would come around to telling me the positive aspects in their ex relationship and I would go to bed feeling full of love. But then weeks would go by and sometimes even months before our next call or visit. I never made a point of calling him..my mother always said it wasn't my duty. I can't tell you how much I would think about him though, the words we shared while we was together, wondering if he really loved and missed me like he said. When my mother would mention him, I would act as if he didn't matter and I didn't care, but deep down my little heart was broken. I grew colder as the months passed, and I would formulate bad things about him in my mind..Just wondering why he never consistently made time for someone who he claimed to love. The cycle of pop ups would continue, and my attitude got worse until my father eventually said my mouth and attitude was too much to handle..I knew what he was saying was true but y'all I was crying out for attention. I wanted to feel a father's love. I wanted him to put me back in a child's place and still come back around because he loved me. I feared abandonment & I hated him for playing on my feelings at the same time. So I would lash out and say things that I didn't mean to bring out some emotion in him..to make him feel what I felt. In the end, I always received what I feared. Abandonment.

Now, my mother made her physical presence well known. Looking into my life, most would say I was spoiled and in a sense I must admit my mother took great care of me and my other two siblings. She was married and the matriarch of the household, but she frequently had to play the patriarch position too. She worked tirelessly, and though it was clear she needed a break, she hardly ever took one. She worked multiple places and eventually owned multiple businesses. The stress and pressure of life from within her marriage, family and business sometimes caused her to overlook my adolescent mind. She had a lot going on, and from the looks of things I was the child that seemed to have it all together. Straight A's, no teacher complaints, school clubs and a job..so she extended her energy to my other siblings and other family matters that needed attention. Meanwhile, I just wanted to be noticed, spoken to when I walked in the house and not immediately given an order. I wanted her to inquire about my day or report cards but she never did. I wanted to have "us" time, but her schedule wasn't built to suit me but the lifestyle that we lived. So I reached for different avenues, letting my experiences teach me what I had never knew but was only warned about. I fell into a cradle of older men arms because I wanted to fill that daddy void. I wanted to smile like my grandma did when she looked at my papa. Except, I would fall for men that were just like my father. & being lied to, and then buttered up and eventually abandoned because of my attitude became the norm......Until, one day I realized that it was a pattern and...

A new woman was birthed. & ever since then, she's been making amends. She got daddy issues, but don't get it confused. She's now in tune. So come correct or NOT AT ALL!

Until we meet again,

MOCHA WEB